I Love, I have Loved, I will Love...

"We'll never meet any men locked up here, We're beyond the reach of love...it will kill me!" Rose spat out the words with conviction.
I turned away silently, I would have thought love was the murderous thing, not the lack of it. I am never going to fall in love. Life is dangerous enough.

For anyone wishing explore the concept of love, lust, infatuation, and heart-break from a safe distance, an hour and a half spent watching, "I Capture the Castle" will not be a waste of time.
The novel/movie is narrated by Cassandra who is also the heroine. She aspires to be a writer and keeps a diary hoping to 'capture' in shorthand the characters around her. The result is an honest 'coming of age' account following two sisters in their encounters with adolescent life and yes, love. Forget the love-triangles of soap operas, because this tale features a five character disaster described by the heroine as a party game "where no one gets the prize they want because its all second hand and third best."

I won't spoil the end by saying it all turns out as it should, because it doesn't. Lies and misdirected passion lead only to places of confusion and hurt, however, the author is kind enough to lead us to a place of satisfaction by the close of the book.

Before I haste to recommend this realize it contains nudity and adult themes which, though only rated as PG, I would be uncomfortable to view in mixed company.

Tears over Dollars and Cents

I cried in church today. After the Service was a special meeting called a "ministry update" which in reality was a challenge to the remaining church members to step up and build the church. Five years ago after the retirement of our long time pastor, families began leaving. The new pastor is a Godly and Educated man, an effective teacher and has a wonderful family. His only fault---he wasn't someone else. Long story short he began making necessary changes and families began leaving over trivial preferences. Our funds have decreased over the years several budgets have been revised and cut. Today as a final effort to relieve the deficit we are cutting 1/3 of our missions budget. Sadly this means that we are 'no longer partnering' with 15 of our missionaries. Only the missionaries our church has specifically 'sent out' are being kept (my family included) along with some retired missionaries. Being an MK it crushed my heart to hear that the Lord's work was being held back because of finances.

"Oh, God! You own the cattle on a thousand hills! If You are Almighty, why is Satan succeeding in tearing apart your church from the inside out? Lord, it hurts because I know what it means on the other end. To have supporting churches struggling is very discouraging. Receiving another letter bearing the news that they can no longer continue to support your ministry. It hurts to be a missionary aching to be on the field, delayed in you 'home' country when in reality your heart is miles away with the lost people you had to leave behind. God I trust now as much as ever, that You will accomplish Your will. You will be victorious. Your name will prevail...Lord, bless these missionaries. Strengthen them in this valley, provide for them from another avenue."

Our pastor challenged us to give Cheerfully, (in my mind i though 'Check!') Generously, (check) "Sacrificially" (ouch!). How many movies have I seen, how many meals have I eaten out. Yes, I give but not enough to effect my lifestyle. And it hit me that it is the unwillingness of many Christians to sacrifice extra TV stations, or the latest cell phone or weekend entertainment, that is causing the lifestyle of missionaries on the field to make major lifestyle sacrifices. What unnecessary purchases have I made that I am unwilling to surrender for the work of the Lord?

"Lord, challenge me and show me what I can do. Give me wisdom as I budget and resolve when I give. May I learn to sacrifice with a cheerful heart"

Declaration of Dependence

Today an interruption in my plan began a chain of thoughts about the independence of my character/personality. My reflection on this topic began as I exited work and sat in wait for my scheduled chauffeur. "Just five more minutes" came and went until 45 mins had lapsed. I used this time constructively to finalize my bi-weekly budget and plan out the drills for swim team tomorrow while intermittently I rationalized my ride's "unpreventable" delay. These ranged from "the clock in the kitchen is slow, she must have misplaced her keys as well, then there was a phone call the very moment she was finally going out the door, when she reached the car it wouldn't start, that must be it." Hmmm, but she hasn't called to office yet. No one has come out with a message for me. Ultimately, I reached my frustration point and surrendered to the realization that I had en forgotten. =(

Not gonna lie I had a pity party for a good five minutes then got over myself and asked, "Now what do I do?" Two options can to mind- A) return to the pool office, explain I have been waiting for 45 mins for my ride and ask to call home. B) Find my own way home, i.e. hitchhike, bus or walk.
The first option seemed to make my parents look irresponsible and put myself too close to the 'little lost puppy' category. Being a secure, independent and active woman who lost her bus timetable and isn't stupid enough to hitch hike, I chose to make use of the legs God had provided and triumphantly began to trek home.

The hour long venture in the heat of the day cause a re-evaluation of my decision making paradigm...Was I too proud? Headstrong? and Independent? Why would I choose to walk rather than the obvious solution of simply calling and reminding my mom? Partly, it was a gorgeous day and I love the outdoors. Secondly, I had the time-no appointments or plans till that evening. And Third, I would rather take an hour out of my way than wait any longer for a ride. I rely on others for almost everything, what better way to declare my independence?

This is just one step in weening myself out of my parents care. As I mature I will depend on them less and less, but through out life there is one person who I'll never outgrow my need of. My dependence on Him can't change (I will never need him less and I can't need Him more) but my realization of its depth continues to grow each day.
I realize that "...in reality I’m nothing on my own, It’s by God’s grace alone that
I can make this confession. All that I am and all I’m hoping to be is all and only what He’s given to me. So I say This is my declaration of Dependence,This is my declaration of my need, This is my declaration of dependence on the one who gave His life to me."

To my creator, sustainor, Savior, Lord, provider, comfort, protector, author and finisher of my Faith and lover of my soul-this is my declaration of dependence on You.

Innocence Lost

I met a girl today at work, a young teenager, barely sixteen years old, who's life is worlds away from my own in every way---yet I found her in a valley similar to one I have crossed. She was sexually assault at the public pool at which I'm working, by another patron a few years older than she. Being the most senior female on duty I was tasked to stay with her and offer what support, assistance, comfort I could. I was present throughout the afternoon while the unfortunate young lady had to repeat her side of the incident to numerous police officials, park rangers and detectives. Each time she began to shake more, whether from being dressed only in her wet swim suit and towel, or from the realization of what had almost occurred.

How to comfort? What to say? Mostly, I said nothing. I simply prayed. Prayed for wisdom. Prayed for this young lady as her innocence was being taken from her yet again by this sin laden world. Prayed for peace that I may remain calm in the situation. Prayed that my own emotions would stay in check.

You see I've been where she's been-a place of confusion and shame after a trust has been broken.
When a young girls innocence is tainted by the perversion of another human, How do you heal? How do you learn to trust again? How do you return to life? Through those weeks and months I had to walk the valley, I held tight to the Great Physician. His faithfulness and truth brought stability to my life that no man could shake. As I clung to His promises and comfort He lead me to paths of righteousness-In all the aftermath and throughout the trial I believe I never sinned against my antagonist. God removed any bitterness, hatred, and disgust from my heart and gave me a pity, forgiveness and love. An operation of that caliber is truly the work of a Great Physician! It was no accident that I was in a position to help comfort and heal another by displaying the Grace He has given to me. All Glory to God for His infinite wisdom! Amen.

never know a good bye...

"I cannot say good-bye to those whom I have grown to love, for the memories we have made will last a lifetime and never know a good-bye...”

Dear Friends,
As I contemplate separation this quote comforted me like one of your hugs. Knowing that being separated in distance does not mean forgetfulness or distance of heart is a great comfort. As Anne of Green Gables would say, "True friends will always be together in spirit." For the Christian we are told "Friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them..."
Humans were not created for separation. We are created with eternity written on our hearts so no wonder Good-byes cause an ache in our core! For those who have recieved everlasting life our goodbyes are only 'till heaven'. I praise God who is the God of ALL comfort, that I can trust His direction in my life. He has me where he wishes me to serve, and I trust the same for you!
I want you all to know that your friendship has brought warmth to my heart and your memories etched an imprint on my soul. You will not be forgotten, you will always be loved!

A White Rose



The red rose whispers of passion,

And the white rose breathes of love;

O, the red rose is a falcon,

And the white rose is a dove.

But I send you a cream-white rosebud

With a flush on its petal tips;

For the love that is purest and sweetest

Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

- J B O’Reilly (1844-1890) -

This poem that has been one of my quotable favorites for quite sometime. It was recalled to my mind recently after watching "The Phantom of the Opera". I'm sure you all have seen it, and many rejoice at the 'good conquering evil' resolution while others lament that the Phantom was not the victorious hero winning Christine's love. It intrigues me the comparison between lust and love, selfish-passion and selfless devotion, a red rose and a white rose...

Rain

IT rained most of the day today.
Normally for me that would be a reason for complaint as I am very much a warm sun and blue skies kind of a girl, but God has been teaching me much about my tendencies to complain. In a recent camping trip, we spent 48 hours in wet elements. If we found it wasn't raining it was because we were entering into the clouds themselves. What a dreamlike though...walking in a cloud!
Those days were outwardly dreary and bleak yet as a body of believers our group persevered and encouraged on another. We were cheerful, exuberant, and light-hearted even as we conquered peak after peak only to find yet again the clouds denied us a view of the valley. It taught me a great deal about the control we have over our attitude, and the power attitude has to determine our experience. How easily those five days could be remembered as the worst of my life...the rain, lack of sleeping, rigorous hiking, inconvenience of daily tasks...yet the attitude of joy and praise that my group adopted made it one of the most memorable ;) spring break I could ever ask for!

All that to say that today I found the rain pleasant, comforting, and quite romantic. Sitting on my bed as the clouds cried a concert of raindrops, I couldn't help but praise the God who bring forth rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous. All His works are perfect, All His ways are just.
He alone is worthy of Praise!